


If Only To Make It Through

by Aerex35



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Ben Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Canonical Character Death, Family Feels, Gen, Klaus Hargreeves Needs A Hug, No Incest, The Author Regrets Nothing, They help each other out, get outta here with that shit, i hurt klaus and ben in this, i stole that tag from someone else because it made me laugh, no beta we die like ben, they were raised as siblings for crying out loud
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2020-01-16 07:11:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18516484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aerex35/pseuds/Aerex35
Summary: Ben was dead. What did that mean for Klaus? Well, a whole bunch of facing fears and doing drugs. What else is new?In which Ben and Klaus's relationship grows and changes following Ben's death





	1. The Worst Day

Klaus closed his eyes.

  
_Everyone had been studying downstairs when Dad and Luther had returned from the mission._

_"Where’s Ben?” Luther burst into tears when Allison asked her question, a strange sight to the group of siblings who had never seen him like that before._

 

He took a deep breath.

 

_“Number Six did not make it,” Dad stated simply, and walked off towards his study, showing no emotion. No grief. His son was dead, and he didn’t care. Luther sobbed and fell to his knees._

 

For the first time in his life, he was inviting the ghosts in. Well, one ghost in particular, but he had never reached the point where he could control that aspect.

 

_When the realization hit Allison, she too began to cry. “What’s going on?” Vanya’s voice carried from the next room over, where she had been studying alone. She walked hesitantly into the room to discover Allison and Luther on the ground, crying, holding each other; Diego and Klaus also had tears streaming down their cheeks, and Klaus stumbled slightly, using Diego to keep himself upright.  
_

 

He made tight fists with both hands and focused as hard as he could.

 

_As it sunk in more and more, the five remaining siblings all found themselves holding on to each other, crying. They had lost another brother, and this one they knew would never be coming back._

 

His heart was beating faster and faster. He didn’t want to do this. He couldn’t do it. He was too afraid. It had been a long time since that night when Dad had locked him up with the spirits, but he was still a child. No matter how irrational he knew his fear was (after all, ghosts can’t hurt you), he couldn’t shake it.

 

But he had to.

 

For Ben.

 

_No one moved for a long time. Even when the tears stopped coming, none of them wanted to let go. None of them wanted to be alone in their grief, afraid that they would be the next one to disappear. Would they all meet their untimely end this way? Through the Umbrella Academy? No one wanted to think about it.  
_

 

Klaus opened his mouth, hesitated, then called out, “Ben?”

 

There was no response.

 

“Ben, if you can hear me, please come out.” Klaus opened his eyes but saw nothing. He sighed shakily. A whisper brushed across his ear. It was cold and terrifyingly close. He knew without having to think for even a moment that it was a spirit. “Any time now, Ben...” he called out again.

 

He kept this up for several minutes, for as long as he could before the whispers became too loud and too numerous. He stood up, oblivious to the tears now streaming down his cheeks, and went to grab a cigarette from his secret hiding spot, under the window sill.

 

About two-thirds of the way there, he looked out at the purple sky, and he slowed to a stop. The cigarettes, along with any other drugs, were out of his mind for the first time in as long as he could remember. He knew what he needed to do.

 

He needed to find Luther.

 

\---

 

“Come in,” the soft voice answered when Klaus knocked on Number 1’s door. It was strange to hear Luther like that. The bold, energetic, sometimes egotistical head of the Umbrella Academy was not one to break like this. But he had been there when Ben died. He might have even seen it, Klaus didn’t know. That was enough to break any fourteen-year-old, even a superhero.

 

Klaus walked quietly into the room, shutting the door gently. Luther was a mess. His eyes were red from crying, his hair was tangled and had visible dirt and blood caked into it, the only part of his outfit he had bothered taking off was his mask. He sat there in his torn, bloody clothing, and Klaus found himself wondering if the blood was Ben’s. “Holy shit...” he said softly, “you look like hell, Luther.”

 

“I feel like hell.”

 

Klaus sat down on the bed next to him. After a few beats of silence he put his hand on his brother’s shoulder and looked up at him. “You know it wasn’t your fault, right?”

 

Two silent, glistening tears slid down his cheeks. “I should have saved him. I was there, and I didn’t save him.”

 

“Did you try?”

 

“Of course I did, but I-”

  
“Then it’s not your fault, Luther,” Klaus insisted.

 

Luther shook his head. “But-”

 

“No buts,” Klaus cut him off. “Would he blame you?”

 

His eyes glazed over and he shook his head slowly.

 

Klaus wished that he was better at comforting. He was the most sober he’d been since before Five disappeared, and it still wasn’t enough for him to know what to do. He hesitantly wrapped his arm around Luther, and Luther nearly melted into it.

 

They sat there for a while, seeking comfort in each other. It wasn’t typical that they got along at all, but tonight was different. In fact, nights would probably be different for a long time. They were different after Five disappeared, so one could only assume that they’d be even more different now.

 

“Luther,” Klaus said cautiously, “I... I know this is probably not the best time to ask you, but it- it’s important.”

 

“Mmm.” Luther seemed like he wasn’t entirely present.

  
Klaus sighed. “I need to know... where it happened.”

 

Luther stared straight ahead, not moving for a long time. After an eternity, he listed an address in a monotonous voice, and Klaus knew he was getting more and more distant by the second.

 

“You should rest,” he suggested as he stood up. Luther still didn’t move but gave another “mmm” of acknowledgment. Not knowing what else to say, and needing to get to the site of Ben’s death, Klaus exited the room as quietly as he had come, but not before saying, “I’m so sorry, Luther,” before shutting the door.

 

Klaus walked through the hallway, trying to not focus on Vanya’s sobs as he headed for the exit. He had to do this, for Ben, and the more he got distracted, the harder it would be. He would check on Vanya later.

 

Walking out the front door without permission, far from the first time he’d done it but the first time he knew with certainty that he wouldn’t be stopped, Number Four stepped into the brisk air as the last lights of the worst day of his life were fading beyond the horizon.


	2. Just Kids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Klaus finds a very confused Ben

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're probably really out of character for this chapter but people are never really themselves in situations like this, are they? In the next chapter Klaus especially will be more back to his normal self.

It was a long journey by foot, especially considering Klaus’s inexperience outside the Academy. He thought of the days, which seemed so long ago, of late nights sneaking out before Five disappeared, faces stuffed with donuts, the laughter of seven young voices as they grasped the few moments of childhood they managed to steal. After Five’s disappearance, the trips had stopped entirely, an unspoken agreement among the remaining siblings that those nights were to stay in the past. It wouldn’t be right to do it without Five. But they all missed it.

 

It was a cold night, but Klaus was too focused on what he was doing (as well as suffering the effects of withdrawal for the first time, something he wasn’t planning on) to truly notice the brisk air.

Just as he was getting tired, his feet aching and his tired eyes stinging, he spotted the wrecked building in the distance. He had expected to feel increasing fear the closer he got, but all he felt was anticipation. He wanted to find Ben. With a sudden burst of adrenaline, he sprinted the rest of the distance to the wreckage. It looked as if the building had been some type of warehouse, probably abandoned, but Klaus couldn’t entirely tell. There were small fires burning, but the majority of the flames had been extinguished in the hours between the building’s collapse and Klaus’s arrival.

 

He stepped cautiously into the rubble, making a face at the sound it made crumbling beneath his feet. He was hit with the realization that Ben’s body was lying somewhere below him. This thought left him sick to his stomach, and all the fears came rushing back to him.

 

Klaus took a deep breath.

  
“B-, uh, Ben?” he called out, taking a few steps forward. There was no response other than the wind blowing. “Hello?”

 

He continued calling out to his brother, wandering around the crumbled walls and broken glass. His head was killing him and he was sweating and shivering at the same time. He knew he would have to calm down and focus to be able to see Ben, but it was too stressful. After a while, he sat down on the ground, rubbed his eyes, and put his hands to the sides of his head. This was useless. He couldn’t do it. He was too scared, he hadn’t been sober for nearly a year, it was too-

 

“Klaus?”

 

He spun around quickly, startled. Standing behind him, covered in blood, was Ben. Klaus almost emptied the contents of his stomach at the sight of his brother’s mutilated form. His left arm was bent in an unnatural way, and there was a large gash on his head. His entire shirt was soaked with blood, and one of the eyes of his Domino Mask was torn, revealing a closed, bleeding eyelid.

 

Ben took a step towards him. “Are you okay?”

 

“Well, by the looks of things, I’m a lot better than you,” Klaus managed to say, his voice wavering. How he managed to joke in moments like these, he didn’t know, but it was an ability that defined him. It was also a large part of the reason why no one took him seriously.

 

“What do you mean?” Ben asked, as if he was legitimately confused by Klaus’s comment. Klaus gestured towards Ben, prompting him to look down at himself. Ben caught sight of the blood he was coated in, as well as his severely injured arm, and let out a gasp. “Wh-?”

 

Klaus stood up slowly, forcing himself to not look away from Ben or get sick, which was made harder by the fact that he was shaking violently.

 

“I don’t understand. Where are Dad and Luther?”

 

Klaus opened his mouth to respond but said nothing.

 

Ben shook his head. “No. No, Luther can’t be dead. He’s Luther. Please tell me he’s okay?”

 

“What?” Klaus asked involuntarily. He was so confused by Ben’s question that he had to take a moment to process it. “Uh, Luther’s fine. He’s back at the Academy. So is Dad. They’re both okay.”

 

Ben gave him a confused look. “They left without me?”

 

Klaus inhaled deeply. He wasn’t good at this. This wasn’t what he was meant for at all. How was he supposed to tell Ben about what happened to him? Anyone else would be better for this than him. Well, maybe not Diego. Or Luther, in all honesty. For that matter, Allison probably wasn’t the best choice either. In fact, even Vanya would probably not be able to handle the stress of the situation. So maybe Klaus was the best choice out of the Hargreeves kids, but that didn’t make him good at it.

 

“Ben, ah, do you, remember? What happened?”

 

“I think I hit my head. Uh, not really,” Ben answered.

 

Klaus squeezed his eyes shut. “Well, the... the building. It collapsed. You were still... you were inside. You couldn’t get out.”

 

“I know that.”

 

“Well,” Klaus opened his eyes slowly to face him. “You’re, uh. I mean. This is... Ben, there’s a reason why I’m here and not someone else.”

 

There was no change in Ben’s expression as Klaus said that. “I don’t understand. Klaus, can we just go home?” Ben reached out to grab Klaus’s arm.

 

Klaus winced, somehow knowing what would come next.

 

Ben’s hand phased right through Klaus’s arm, and he stumbled forward from the shock of it, passing entirely through Klaus’s form. It was the worst experience Klaus had ever felt; it was like someone had entirely frozen his internal organs over a span of two seconds.

 

“Ben...?” Klaus asked quietly as he turned around to see the equally-bloody back half of his brother.

 

“What happened?” Ben’s voice was even softer than Klaus’s, as if speaking was a dangerous thing.

 

Tears slid down Klaus’s cheeks. They were too young for this. They were all just children. First Five disappeared, then Ben died. What next? They were kids. “You... died. You died, Ben.”

 

Silence. Then Ben sat down on the ground, looking at his hands. Klaus walked forward and sat down next to him. He leaned back and sighed, staring up at the stars. They sat there for a long time in silence, the wind surrounding them.

 

Ben looked over at Klaus. “Am I really...? I, uh, I mean, is this just a joke?”

 

Klaus shook his head. “I’m sorry, Ben. I wish it was.”

 

“...Okay.”

 

After several moments, in which the only sounds were the wind and Ben’s sobs, which were nearly nonexistent as he attempted to conceal them, Klaus could feel his eyes growing heavy. It had been a long, emotional day, and he was struggling to stay awake. He felt guilty, though, because Ben was still trying to process everything. But he simply could not stay awake any longer. He closed his eyes slowly before he heard Ben’s voice.

 

“Oh no, it’s really late. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to keep you awake like this-”

 

“Ben?” Klaus said with a yawn, opening his eyes again. “You just died. You’re actually, one hundred percent dead. I don’t think you’re allowed to apologize.”

 

Ben half-shrugged. “I suppose it doesn’t exactly feel real. I mean, I’m still here.”

 

“Where did you expect to be?” Klaus asked, genuinely intrigued.

 

“I don’t know.”

 

Klaus gave him a half smile, but his emotions didn’t match the expression. “Well, now you have the pleasure of being stuck with me 24/7.”

 

Ben wiped some of the blood from his face. “I don’t think that’s entirely a bad thing.” He stood up. “You need to go home, though. You’re tired.”

 

“Do you want to go home?” Klaus asked him.

 

“Not exactly,” Ben answered truthfully, “But you need to so you can rest, and I don’t want to stay here alone.”

  
Klaus shrugged. “Seems good to me.”

 

The two of them stood and climbed out of the wreckage. The moon was straight above them, and it appeared from behind a cloud to illuminate their way home.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed, I wrote the first chapter in one sitting and made very few edits/revisions so it's definitely not my best work. I'm hoping that the next chapters will improve in quality and, hopefully, length.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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